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dave holmes

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Dave Holmes Just Expertly Trolled a Phone Scammer
January 22, 2016
Uncategorized
dave holmes, phone scam

Scammers best beware when f*cking with comedians.

Host, writer, comedian and now, hero, Dave Holmes just tweeted his whole encounter with a very common phone scam and how he chose to scam those suckers right back in the most ‘drop-the-mic’ way possible.

Here’s Dave’s story in full that he just tweeted earlier today: 

I just got targeted by the laziest, shoddiest grifters I have ever come across in my life, and boy did I enjoy it.

I was coming out of the gym, disoriented/exhausted, and there was a vm from a # in MD. I listened: THIS IS A FINAL NOTICE FROM THE IRS.

I called back, because I get stupid after a workout, and I thought: THIS MIGHT BE REAL. I should take it easy maybe. Anyway. (3/20)

A very stern person answered the phone & spoke very quickly: this is in reference to your audit in 2008. (which happened. I owed zero.) 4/20

He continued: there is a warrant for your arrest. You face five years in federal prison. We have cancelled your driver’s license. (5/20)

You owe $5273. We sent a letter to your home in October & nobody was there to receive it. But we left a slip and you never called back. 6/20

THIS TELLS US YOU ARE TRYING TO RUN AWAY. ARE YOU ABLE TO PAY THIS MONEY IN FULL TODAY? 7/20

Me: I’ll need to talk to my tax preparer (who they’re supposed to contact first anyway). (Also, everything else about this is wrong.) 8/20

They said they were going to put me on hold, and then hung up on me. But I had their #, a 20-minute drive ahead of me, and I do improv. 9/20

I called back in tears. “I was on the phone with one of your agents, and I got disconnected, and I CANNOT GO TO PRISON. PLEASE HELP.” 10/20

“I HAVE MY CREDIT CARD OUT, BUT MY HANDS ARE SHAKING TOO TERRIBLY FOR ME TO READ IT. WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP ME.” 11/20

The agent on the phone (a man with a very thick Indian accent whose name was “Officer Eric Johnson”) said he could not take my card #. ?/?

THEN WHAT AM I TO DO, OFFICER JOHNSON? IF I OWE MONEY, I WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT IMMEDIATELY. I CANNOT GO TO PRISON. I CANNOT.

I HAVE A FAMILY. I HAVE A JOB. AM I GOING TO BE PULLED OVER AND ARRESTED? Officer Johnson revealed that this was a strong possibility.

What the IRS needed me to do was this: go to a bank and withdraw $5300 in cash. And stay on the phone with them while I did it.

I agreed. I said (still crying) that I was a five-minute drive from a bank with a drive-thru ATM but that I was driving as fast as I could.

We stayed on the line together for that whole five minute drive, me and Officer Johnson. I asked how long he’d been at the IRS. 8 years!

I asked what he did before that, and how he likes the IRS gig. He said: “MR HOLMES I AM BUSY DOING YOUR PAPERWORK.” I said: Jeez, of course.

I told him I was pulling up to the ATM to withdraw the money, and he said: YOU CAN’T WITHDRAW THAT MUCH FROM AN ATM. YOU HAVE TO GO IN.

(I’m going to be honest with you here: that was news to me, but it makes sense now that I think about it.)

So I pretended to go into the bank (opened/closed my car door, improvised the whole transaction with a teller voice, THANK YOU! the whole 9)

I returned to the car, and I said: “Officer Johnson, I have $5300 in a paper bag. Tell me what to do next.” He said: hold on.

He then put me on hold, during which I would imagine there was a 30-second shitty grifter office party.

I was then transferred to his boss, an agent with the same accent who identified herself only as “Officer Debbie.”

Officer Debbie told me I needed to go to a Bank of America and deposit the cash into an account whose number they would give me.

I said: Officer Debbie, isn’t it great to be alive in a time when all of this is so easy and intuitive? She agreed that it is.

Officer Debbie then put me on hold, and a bunch of assholes with a burner phone reenacted this performance probably: https://t.co/Yc4MtmSZJQ

I was then transferred to a guy who announced himself simply as “Agent Paul.” Agent Paul was going to give me the account info.

I said: fire away. He gave me an account and routing numbers into which to deposit my money. The name on the account: JACK MILTON.

I said: I’ll be sure to tell the teller it’s for the IRS, so that he or she is extra careful with the numbers and whatnot.

He said: you are not allowed to do that. This is a federal case, and talking about it is illegal. I said: that makes perfect sense.

I said: I want to make sure we don’t get disconnected, so here’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to keep the Bluetooth connected, leave the phone in the car, and keep the car running in the parking lot while I do this.

Agent Paul said: I don’t think you should do that. I said: Bluetooth gets weird though. He couldn’t really argue with that.

So I thanked Agent Paul, told him how crisp and professional Officers Johnson and Debbie had been, and went into the bank to transact.

Opened/closed the car door, thought long and hard about a car-theft plot twist with all new characters, but my destination was close.

Opened/closed the door again (I am driving during this, btw) and said: I’ve done it. I have my receipt. May I read it to you?

Agent Paul, said, with palpable enthusiasm and relief: You DID? And no, I don’t need to read what’s on the receipt.

And then I passed my destination and decided to circle it for a minute. I said: please let me read it to you.

It says: this is the worst, sloppiest, saddest attempt at a con I have ever experienced, and you should be ashamed.

You are BAD AT GRIFTING, and you should STOP IT.

I hope you never get another good night’s sleep, not because you are bad, but because you are TERRIBLE AT BEING A CON ARTIST, and

…somewhere out there, someone better is going to con YOU, and you’re too dumb to see it coming. GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.

Agent Paul, I swear to God, said: “Please accept my apologies,” and hung up the phone.

And I’ve thought about it, and I don’t accept his apologies.

You can reach Agent Paul and Officers Johnson and Debbie at 240-523-3767.

The more time they spend with you, the less time they have to find the one poor shnook who would fall for this and hand over his savings.

Anyway, I’m off to the bank to report this account and routing number. Be good to each other, my friends.

So, you should probably follow @DaveHolmes on Twitter.

Morning Debriefing 6/24/11
June 24, 2011
Uncategorized
amy dresner, burbank, cheap, comedy news, comedy podcasts, comedy shows, conan, dave holmes, ew, free, fullerton, hollywood, jack white, long beach, los angeles, los feliz, maria bamford, nick kroll, ogre mage, out-catholic, reggie watts, rick shapiro, rolling stone, sean patton, second city, silverlake, stephen colbert, ucb, west la

1) Nick Kroll on Conan.

2) EW made a list of top comedy podcasts following the footsteps of Rolling Stone. This will be probably the first time I’ve said this in ten years, but Rolling Stone made the better, more informed list.

3) The Ogre Mage EP will be out soon: “@zachlunch Listening to the new @OgreMage EP over and over. Soon, my children. Soon. #OgreMage”

4) Top 5 Reggie Watts Performances [via Serial Optimist]

5) A Drink with Dave and hilarious comedienne Amy Dresner.

6) Sean Patton just got the Tip of the Hat from us.

7) Ne’er a debate about who knows more about Catholicism will be more entertaining than this one between Stephen Colbert and Jack White.

The Colbert Report
Tags: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

8) COMEDY CRAWL
The Business @ Hollywood Improv Lab 8PM $5 
Re-Animator @ Steve Allen Theater 8PM $30 
Maria Bamford @ Flappers Burbank 8PM $17/2 item min.
Rick Shapiro @ Vlad the Retailer 9PM $5 
Comedy Car Hole @ Comedy Car Hole 9PM FREE 
Second City Late Night @ Second City Hollywood 10PM $5 
Maria Bamford @ Flappers Burbank 10PM $17/2 item min.
Stood Up Friday Night: Good Vs. Evil @ Moving Arts Theater 10PM $5
Re-Animator-Cast Benefit Show @ Steve Allen Theater MIDNIGHT $15

9) OPEN MIC RUN
SET LIST @ FLAPPERS BAR 102 E. Magnolia, Burbank, CA/Sign-up 5PM/Starts 5:30PM/given “set list” of topics to do jokes off of/first come, first served/no purchase necessary
UCB 5919 Franklin Ave., Hollywood, CA/Sign-up 6PM/Starts 6:30PM/lottery/5 min. spots/10 spots available
iCANDY 1708 E. Broadway, Long Beach, CA/Sign-up 6PM/Starts 7PM/first come, first served/$3 min./mixed mic/booked show in middle around 8PM
SILVERLAKE LOUNGE 2906 W. Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA (Silverlake)/Sign-up (lottery) 6:30PM/Starts 7PM/4 min./no purchase necessary
MAX BLOOM’S 200 N. Malden Ave., Fullerton, CA/Starts 7PM/booked show after/no purchase necessary
HOLLYWOOD HOTEL 1160 N. Vermont Ave., Hollywood, CA/Starts Midnight/First come, first served
GLENDALE DAYS INN 450 N. Pioneer Dr., Glendale, CA/Sign-up 7PM/Starts 8PM/No foul language/No purchase necessary/first come, first served    

10) So did anyone else not see the first episode of Louie because they needed human interaction at least one time in the day then realized everyone was at home watching Louie, anyone?  

Report 00194

THE COMEDY BUREAU/@thecomedybureau
May 6, 2011
Uncategorized
behind the scenes, dave holmes, interview, io west, jason nash

adrinkwithdave:

THUR May 5: Jason Nash

Dave and comedian Jason Nash go way back, all the way back to the 90s… Jason shares embarrassing stage moments, Andy Dicks road to a comeback, and tidbits about his podcast and web series. Don’t miss this one, there are tidbits in here.

More about Jason? yes.

Jason Nash is a comedian, actor and writer, who created the web series “Jason Nash is Married” for Atom.com, which was based on Jason’s one-person show “In The Land of Tall Buildings and Red Fire Engines.” In 2010, Jason was a semi-finalist on “Last Comic Standing” and he developed a sitcom for CBS Television.

The Links
Guys With Feelings podcast
Jason Nash Is Married
Jason’s Twitter
Jason’s Tumblog

FollowA Drink With Dave for more!

Jason Nash + A Drink with Dave = What You Should Watch in the Next 10 Seconds

(Source: https://player.vimeo.com/)
April 29, 2011
Uncategorized
dave holmes, drink with dave, interviews, io west

adrinkwithdave:

All New Episodes start this Monday, May 2nd

We’re baking you fresh episodes of A Drink With Dave… so get ready for some of the freshest Dave you’ve ever had.

Check out the video to see who’s coming to the bar.

Follow A Drink With Dave for more!

LINE-UPS FOR A DRINK WITH DAVE!!! Plenty of great comics coming up like Jason Nash and Amy Dresner (despite it being spelled Dresler) is coming on the show!

(Source: https://player.vimeo.com/)
March 31, 2011
Uncategorized
comedy webseries, conan, dave holmes, interviews, jimmy pardo

adrinkwithdave:

WED March 30: JIMMY PARDO

Today(ish) you’ve got Dave’s favorite comedian: The opening act for Conan O’Brien on “Conan” and the host of the best comedy podcast around…

JIMMY PARDO

Jimmy gives an inside look at the late night wars and reveals what the 90’s were like for a stand up (man, it’s hard to be Jerry Seinfeld).

Sorry for the delay! We gave you an extra 2 minutes for the inconvenience! Ya know?

Catch all the shows on A Drink With Dave

(Source: https://player.vimeo.com/)
March 29, 2011
Uncategorized
behind the scenes, dave holmes, drink with dave, gil ozeri, interviews, marathon, two and a half men

adrinkwithdave:

MON March 28th: Premiere Episode

It’s the first official episode and Dave welcomes his first official guest: Comedian Gil Ozeri! Gil recently watched Two and a Half Men in two and a half days straight for funnyordie.com and now he’s ready to share his wisdom with the rest of us in the inaugural vidchat session!

Check out the show’s fancy new site and share the episodes with your friends: adrinkwithdave.com

Thanks!

(Source: https://player.vimeo.com/)

Morning Debriefing 3/24/11
March 24, 2011
Uncategorized
behind the scenes, bill burr, burbank, comedian, comedy crawl, comedy news, dave holmes, eagle rock, hollywood, jimmy pardo, john oliver, los angeles, open mic run, santa monica, stand up comedy, tsunami, ucb

1) John Oliver’s NY Stand Up Special Tonight on Comedy Central at MIDNIGHT!!! Watch it, even though it was taped in NY, because there’s plenty of LA comics represented.

2) If you’re not watching A Drink With Dave with Dave Holmes, please do it now.  Behind the behind the scenes of comedy…

3) Trying to time Comedian Jimmy Pardo in answering questions? [via TWi Comedy]

4) Tommy Tsunami with Matt Champagne.  Just watch and laugh.  

5) Wonder what a weekday night at a restaurant by day/comedy club (Sal’s Comedy Hole) by night is like in LA?  Bill Burr shows up.

 

6) Tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL
4 & 20 @ All Star Lanes 8PM FREE
Gonzo @ L Bar 8PM FREE
Auggie Smith @ Flappers Burbank 8PM $12/2 drink min.
Comedy Speakeasy @ TSR Lounge 8PM FREE
Jon Huck @ Brea Improv 8PM $12/2 item min.
Comedy Palace @ Palace Restaurant 8:30PM FREE 
The Josh & Josh Show @ Bar Lubitsch 8:30PM FREE 
The Jen Kirkman Show @ UCB Theatre 9:30PM $5 

7) OPEN MIC RUN
HOLLYWOOD HOTEL 1160 N. Vermont Ave., Los Angeles, CA/Starts 7PM 
THE SANDWICH SPOT 3101 Ocean Park Ave., Santa Monica, CA/Starts 7PM
CAFE ON 2ND 7 S. 2nd St., Alhambra, CA/Sign-up 7PM/Starts 7:30PM/10 min. guaranteed
TKO SHOW @ 212 CAFE 212 Pier Ave., Santa Monica, CA/Starts 9PM 

8) Day 153 of the Comedy Bureau.  You’re all welcome.

Report 00153

THE COMEDY BUREAU/@thecomedybureau
March 24, 2011
Uncategorized
behind the scenes, chloe sevigny, comedy, dave holmes, drew droege, drugs, groundlings, improv, interview, stories

adrinkwithdave:

Drew Droege Part 2 (fin)
A Drink With Dave Previews

Dave, Drew, Chloe Sevigny, Tanya Roberts, LMFAO and Drugs!

(Source: https://player.vimeo.com/)
March 24, 2011
Uncategorized
chloe, dave holmes, drew droege, io west, triple sec

http://blip.tv/play/AYKt2FcA

adrinkwithdave:

Drew Droege Part 1
A Drink With Dave Previews
Dave and Comedian Drew Droege get deep into the triple sec of life… 

Enjoy!

A Drink with Dave is back! YES!!!

(Source: http://blip.tv/)
March 13, 2011
Uncategorized
bbc, best, comedy shows, dave holmes, los angeles, maria bamford, megan amram twitter, mtv, target, ucb

robdelaney:

THURSDAY (St. Patrick’s Day) at the UCB: Come see me, Dave Holmes, Maria Bamford, Megan Amram & Sharon Horgan, co-writer & star of my FAVORITE comedy series, the BBC’s “Pulling.” I am SHITTING that Sharon Horgan is doing our show because she’s such a brilliant comet. Our show is always fun, but this one will be bananas. My oldest comedy pal Dave Holmes who taught me how to be funny, candidate for most amazing living writer Megan Amram, towering space genius Maria Bamford, and the dangerous legend to whom I look for spiritual comedic guidance, Sharon Horgan. I am straight up jizzing all over the place. I hope you will come see us and do the same. I’d be grateful to anyone who reposted this.

TICKETS

GO TO THIS!!!
March 2, 2011
Uncategorized
comedy, dave holmes, greg behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You, io west, los angeles, mtv, podcast

adrinkwithdave:

Join Dave and his guest Comedian Greg Behrendt. 

Today’s Happy Hour Menu:
-Podcasting
-The future of TV
-How to Win Friends & Influence People by Hard Harry Hard On
-An intense love of cake(fucking).

Stay Tuned for Part 2…

Where podcasting can take you….

(Source: https://player.vimeo.com/)
February 27, 2011
Uncategorized
comedy central, dave holmes, drink with dave, letterman, matt braunger, mtv

adrinkwithdave:

A Drink With Dave Matt Braunger Box Set…
This beautiful “Preview Weeks Box Set” features all five Matt Braunger episodes in one easy to carry 19 minute collector’s edition.

Enjoy!

(Source: https://player.vimeo.com/)

Morning Debriefing 2/26/11
February 26, 2011
Uncategorized
12 mile, bill maher, black dynamite, burbank, chris hardwick, comedian, comedy, comedy central, dave holmes, drink with dave, eddie pepitone, flappers, g4, greg proops, harland williams, hbo, hollywood improv, jackie kashian, largo, los angeles, marc maron, meltdown comics, nerdist, oscars, paul f tompkins, puddin, silverlake, tip of the hat, ucb theatre, wtf podcast

1) The “insider comedian interview” format has gone viral… big time.  Forget about shoddy camera work in green rooms and back alley studios that double as living spaces.  Bigger names are coming out of the woodwork.  First Marc Maron w/his “WTF Podcast”.  Recently, Dave Holmes and “A Drink with Dave”.  Most recently, Bill Maher and “12 Mile”.  Did I mention that everyone should be watching/listening to these?

2) Everyone will be live tweeting during the Oscars and I will be here in our cavernous office keeping everyone up to speed as to what’s the funniest things written during the show.  We hand pick our featured tweets here and I almost suggest that you don’t need to watch the Oscars because the Comedy Bureau Twitter feed will be almost more entertaining (only because you need to watch the telecast to put it into context).

3) In case you were wondering, the Tip of the Hat, this week, goes to Eddie Pepitone for the start of the Puddin’ Comic Strip.  Article to follow later today.

4) ON THE HORIZON
NERDIST INDUSTRIES and ARS NOVA present: Nerdist Podcast Live: BLACK DYNAMITE! @ Meltdown Comics Mon. Apr. 4th 8PM $15
The Man with F.E.E.E.T @ Downtown Independent Theater Wed. Mar. 16th 9:30PM $20
Nick Rutherford & Friends @ Hollywood Improv Lab Wed. Mar. 30th 10:30PM $5  

5) Tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL
Two Milk Minimum @ Flappers Burbank 11:30AM $10/2 item min.
Space Boners: Extra Boners Edition @ Silverlake Lounge 7PM FREE
The Swarm @ UCB Theatre 7PM $5 (stand by only)
Channel 101 Screening @ Downtown Independent Theater 9PM FREE
Harland Williams @ Hollywood Improv 7:30PM/9:30PM $20/2 item min. 
The Anytime Show w/Dominic Dierkes @ Smodcastle 8PM $8
Greg Proops @ Ice House 8PM/10PM $17.50/2 drink min.
Jackie Kashian @ Flappers Burbank 8PM/10PM $17/2 drink min.
The Paul F. Tompkins Show @ Largo 8:30PM $25 (sold out)
Comedy Garage @ The World Famous Comedy Garage 10PM FREE 
Magic Bag @ Smodcastle 10PM $8
The Twelve Shiny Nickels Show @ Fake Gallery 11PM $5
The Tomorrow Show w/Ron Lynch @ Steve Allen Theater MIDNIGHT $8 

6) OPEN MIC RUN
SPOT CAFE 4455 Overland Ave., Culver City, CA/Starts 2PM/people usually give feedback at end of set
SAL’S COMEDY HOLE 7356 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, CA/Starts 6PM/one item min.
WESTSIDE COMEDY THEATRE 1323-A 3rd St., Santa Monica, CA (in alley between 3rd and 4th St.)/Sign-Up 6PM/Starts 6:30PM
SUNSET GRILL 7439 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA/Starts 7PM/one item min.
MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA/5PM to 11PM/$5/multiple sets allowed 

7) This is the 127th Day of the Comedy Bureau and both my arms are still here.  Take that James Franco.

Report 00127

THE COMEDY BUREAU/@thecomedybureau
February 26, 2011
Uncategorized
alex blagg, bajillion hits, bush, comedy, dave holmes, los angeles, miley cyrus, mtv, salvia

adrinkwithdave:

A Drink With Dave: Alex Blagg, Part Two
Dave Holmes, Alex Blagg, Miley Cyrus, Bush, Salvia, and more strat jacking…

Watch Alex break character.

(Source: https://player.vimeo.com/)

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