Finally!!! It’s Saturday Night and I Need a Laugh (and I’m in LA)…

To both consumers and producers of live entertainment alike, Saturday is THE prime night. As far as live comedy is concerned, many venues want to put their best foot forward as most of the workforce wants a “good ol’ time” filled with laughter and will pay HANDSOMELY to be entertained.
On Jan. 29th 2011, The Comedy Bureau was indeed out in force to see what a night in LA comedy for those regular 9-5ers that have no idea what “alternative comedy” is or that it even exists or that comedy shows happen outside of comedy clubs. With this mission, the Comedy Bureau went to the three big names that many “normal” people in LA and around the world associate with stand up comedy: The Comedy Store, The Laugh Factory, and the Hollywood Improv. Also, as a contrast, we went to the incredibly underground, cult comedy show The Tomorrow Show w/Ron Lynch at the Steve Allen Theater.
We paid full price. We saw. We shed our attitude as comics and tried to be actual audience members. We took notes.
And with all of that in mind, this, comedy community, is what to expect if you went to see these shows because you wanted to laugh on a typical Los Angeles Saturday night:
Lit with bright names and big faces along Sunset Blvd., the Laugh Factory in Hollywood stands on at the end of a row of beyond hip and trendy AND certainly beyond affordable night clubs and, as such, follows suit with a general admission charge of $25 and a “VIP” charge of $35 with that traditional 2 drink minimum. According to their menu, a single order of Coca-Cola (soft drinks tend to be the cheapest things on comedy club menus) runs $8.
This means: If you were going alone and chose to park for free several blocks away from the Laugh Factory, you would be paying at least $40. If you’re like most people, you’re probably out on a date and will probably pay for valet parking, which will put you in the realm of the night costing $100+.
For that much money one would logically think that you would get to see the biggest names in stand up comedy. At the 10PM show, which is billed as “All Star Comedy”, the line-up included: Chris D’Elia, who just had a Comedy Central Special, but is largely still “on the rise” in regards to being a “name” in stand up comedy, Tony Rock, who is Chris Rock’s brother, Al Del Bene, who been on Comics Unleashed (broadcast network show featuring stand up comics that’s on at the same time as Last Call w/Carson Daly), Dov Davidoff, who also has his own Comedy Central Special, but is largely known for his performance in the Mark Wahlberg vehicle “Invincible” as the childhood friend of Vince Papale that reminds him of his roots, Johnny Sanchez who I also found has his own Comedy Central Special as well as being part of the “Payaso Comedy Slam”, and a secret special guest. Such a line-up isn’t exactly along the lines of the type of comedy that the Comedy Bureau regularly features as this is a very “mainstream comedy” line-up that talks about racial stereotypes, sex, and curses a lot, but then again, everyone has their own personal taste in comedy and I’ve seen such a line-up “kill” a club crowd before.
With that being said, we didn’t know find out who the special guest was because we didn’t see the show. We wouldn’t pay $40 to see Louis CK much less a line-up of comics on the rise that aren’t really aren’t our “cup of tea”.
Several blocks away from the Sunset Strip, the Hollywood Improv rests in a neighborhood of trendy boutiques along what’s arguably the more famous part of Melrose Ave as a clear stand out with it’s old fashioned neon sign and marquee. In that spirit, the Hollywood Improv actually runs several shows that are closer to what most traditional stand up shows around the rest of the country with openers, features, and headliners. This is unique to the Improv as, currently, no single comic headlines the Comedy Store or the Laugh Factory, though there are several features there as opposed to the standard 1 or 2 in their line-ups and the headliner only gets to do half an hour as opposed to a full hour. Still, this is the closest you’ll get to what most stand up shows are like everywhere that isn’t LA or NYC in LA.
We also looked forward to the sight of slightly friendlier prices. Unlike the Laugh Factory, the cover was only $18 plus the 2 drink minimum, of which a beer, not a glass of Coca-Cola, costs $7. Free street parking was slightly more available at the Improv and much closer to the venue than at the Laugh Factory or the Comedy Store.
Getting into the Improv, we attended the 7:30PM show w/Elon Gold, who has been on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno several times, half-packed with what appeared to be friends of host Ben Morrison, a regular at most of the clubs in the LA area. Morrison opened the show strong, but ran the light/went over his time by about 4 minutes with typical club comic material about masturbation and going to gay bar, which was trying.
Despite that, we were glad to see that other comics on the line-up included a few that have been mentioned, featured, or retweeted on Twitter by The Comedy Bureau: Josh Comers, who currently and deservedly writes for Conan, Jarrod Harris, who has only been on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham, but is certainly funny enough for a half-hour special, Michelle Buteau, who has been on Comedy Central’s Premium Blend and has toured regularly throughout the world as far as Amsterdam. All of them, another feature Nigel Lawrence, and headliner Elon Gold, even though he relies heavily on a vast array of voices and characters in a way that isn’t much to our liking, showed the “intimate” crowd a legitimate good time that ran around 2 hours.
Once more, with no regard to my opinion of who was on stage and what material they were doing, people genuinely had a good Saturday night at the Hollywood Improv.
The World Famous Comedy Store. Just process that self-proclaimed moniker for a moment and think as to what type of stand up comedy show you would see there. With so much history literally written on the walls of the Comedy Store, many people have come to the assumption that this is the epitome of stand up comedy.
In fact, I’d wager that most people would equate a Saturday night at the Main Room of the Comedy Store, the biggest of the three rooms located there, to be the stand up comedy “end all be all”. Along this notion, we went to the 9PM Main Room show costing us $20 for admission and a 2 drink min billed as 14 National Touring Headliners.
Looking at the posted line-up, we discovered that all the comics were scheduled to do 15 minutes, which already makes the show at least run over 3 hours. Now many show producers have the attitude of “you may come and go as you like” to a show like this, but I argue that a show where the audience WANTS to stay the whole time is infinitely better and will be more likely to have people come back and see the show again.
However, this show ran 4 hours. 4 HOURS. With a line-up (in order) of Kevin Christy, Argus Hamilton, Jeff Altman, Iliza Schlesinger, Dom Irerra, Ahmed Ahmed, Chris D’Elia, Ian Edwards, Rick Ingraham, Sam Tripoli, Mike Young, and Barry Diamond, the show went 4 hours and having fulfilled my 2 drink minimum obligation within the first hour, I was plenty sober and annoyed by the end of the show around 1:30AM.
Now, the aforementioned line-up at this particular show isn’t one that I’d normally go and see (though I did enjoy Argus Hamilton and Ian Edwards), but, in attempting to be objective about this whole report, the crowd of approximately 200 people were legitimately having a good time even when Chris D’Elia, who was getting plenty of laughs, told the audience, “Fuck you!! That’s funny!!!” all the way up until Rick Ingraham.
Ian Edwards had a great set and consequently the show was around 2.5 hour mark, then Ingraham went up and did a very rigid style of crowd work asking anyone within his line of sight “What do you for a living?” An audience member was so annoyed that they shouted, “Tell a fucking joke!”, which was the point where people started walking out on the show. Sam Tripoli continued to walk people as he complained that no one made a connection with him and blamed the audience for not liking punchlines. With only himself and one more comic to go, Mike Young got up and then complained about his spot being nearly a half hour later than the posted time (since most comics went over their time) as well as there being a minute fraction of the original crowd present for his set. With the 20 or so people left in the cavernous Main Room that can actually seat 300, Barry Diamond injected some energy by singing a song and then weaving in and out interesting characters and sheer absurdities that I started to enjoy.
At that point when the show was over the 3 hour mark, Barry Diamond decided to work on his “hour” and simply just kept going and going and going and going some more, and then say he should have gotten off stage long ago, and then kept going. I went from enjoying his act to resenting his refusal to get off stage, both as a comic and an audience member. This isn’t an open mic. This is the Comedy Store Main Room on a Saturday night and people have paid a considerable amount of change to be entertained rather than watch someone work on their hour.
Like I said, I perhaps didn’t enjoy the line-up for the most part, but, objectively, the crowd was having a good rollicking time up until the show was passing the three hour mark and the comics starting blaming the audience, which is when people started leaving and the people they stayed had sort of a feeling of being taken hostage (i.e. couple in front was insulted by comic on stage and was visibly shocked and confused). Going out on a Saturday to the Comedy Store Main Room, this ordeal might be what to expect if you go. Sure, you could just pop in and pop out to see part of the 14 National Touring Headliners that people only marginally know (audience member clearly had no idea who Iliza Shlesinger, arguably the most recognizable name on the line-up, as he mispronounced her name), but do you really want to pay $20 cover, 2 drink minimum, and $15 parking because you don’t want to walk a mile for free parking to do that?
The Tomorrow Show w/Ron Lynch @ The Steve Allen Theater
Appropriately located just outside of Hollywood in Los Feliz, the Tomorrow Show represents the comedy that most people don’t know and subsequently SHOULD KNOW. It’s alternative, indie, underground, unpredictable, and most importantly: funny.
Independently booked, produced, and hosted by the amazing and hilarious Ron Lynch, the Tomorrow Show is a live variety comedy show that includes stand-up, sketch, music, and, on this particular night, a sword swallower. For only $8 with no minimum of any kind (show is B.Y.O.B.), you can get to be a part of this late night madness as the Tomorrow Show appropriately starts at midnight.
Due to the incredibly late, at least by unfortunate Los Angeles standards, start time, the Tomorrow Show remains part of the vast indie/underground/alt comedy scene that many of the “normal” people we met at the Improv and the Comedy Store have no idea exists and consequently has a much smaller turnout than that of a major comedy club. Still, going on its sixth year, the Tomorrow Show has an incredibly loyal fan base that keeps coming back because of the bona fide good time that they have (that was made better as it was under 2 hours).
This night, or early morning, the line-up consisted of Greg Barris, Karl Hess, Robert Selander, Chuck Sklar, Barry Rothbart, Matt Kirshen, sketch group the Doorknockers, and sword swallower Brett Loudermilk. Most of these names are just as unrecognizable to the average person as any of the other names mentioned in this article, but just like at the Improv and the first 2 hours of the Main Room at the Comedy Store, the crowd, small as it was, had a wonderful night/early morning.
With seemingly random interruptions, jokes about zombie conspiracy theories, and absurd, off-the-wall stories, the Tomorrow Show can be categorized as chaotic, especially in the early hours of the morning, but it represents a style of comedy that is different where it isn’t just typical types of jokes about race and/or dicks. Though, it isn’t for everyone, the Tomorrow Show is proof that there’s an alternative where comedy can be something else and even something more.
So Next Saturday Night…
The Comedy Bureau urges you all to simply check here and elsewhere before you go out on a Saturday night to see some live comedy because it does happen outside of Hollywood and outside of a comedy club and it can be something besides overweight balding men shouting obscenities and exploit racial stereotypes AND it can be fantastic.
Special Thanks to Chris Adams, Joe Braza, Russell Corona, Courtney Howerton, and Jeremy Paul in helping making this article possible.
I will be hosting perestroika! at Bar Lubitsch on Sunday (as in two days from now).
Watch me do jokes! Then watch me introduce other people who do jokes!
Comedy Podcast
Logan shares a hilarious story from the Super Bowl party. Christina Aguliera flubs the national anthem. Steven Seagal helps Silva in UFC 126. Recap of Top Shot 2 season premiere. Stand up comedian Cornell Reid in studio, wrapping things up with a haiku.
http://static1.inthemo.com/00213E/shared/moplayer.swf
Things I was told to do while filming this:
- Okay, just look forward and walk towards me. Stop doing that thing with your hands.
- Stand by these flowers. Like, smell them or something.
- I wish we could get you into one of these boats.
- Say “Check out my recs.” Yes, you have to say recs.
Twitter superstar. What an asshole.
Morning Debriefing 2/12/11

1) Finally!!! It’s Saturday Night and I Need a Laugh (and I’m in LA). This is a recent piece I wrote about the perspective of most people in Los Angeles who have no idea that comedy exists outside of the Laugh Factory, Comedy Store, and the Hollywood Improv, what they should REALLY expect from aforementioned clubs on a given Saturday night, and what the alternative can be, which, in this case, was cult favoriteThe Tomorrow Show w/Ron Lynch.
2) Marc Maron Mugs and Jackie Kashian Trading Cards. I’m suspicious of falling into the horrible vortex of consumerism, but you’re telling me that you won’t buy any of these?
3) Death Valley = Steve Agee + Zombies + San Fernando Valley = Possible redemption for MTV and its more recent series Skins.
4) The Comedy Bureau Tips Its Hat to the almost enigmatic Reggie Watts, who is in town for a few days. Write-up/article to come later today.
5) *Just for Laughs Callbacks/Showcase Schedule UPDATED*
6) Tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL-Back to work people…
Two Milk Minimum @ Flappers Burbank 11:30AM $10/2 item min.
The Swarm @ UCB Theatre 7PM $5
Harland Williams @ Irvine Improv 7PM/9PM $22/2 item min.
Heart of Darkness @ Meltdown Comics 7:30PM $8
The Anytime Show w/Dominic Dierkes @ Smodcastle 8PM $8
James Adomian @ Flappers Claremont 8PM/10PM $15/2 drink min.
Persona @ Hollywood Improv Lab 8:30PM $5
The Playin’ with Micucci Valentine’s/President Day Special @ Steve Allen Theater 8PM $10 (standing room only)
The Ed Galvez Punk House Weekend Edition @ Westside Comedy Theatre 9PM $10
Magic Bag @ Smodcastle 10PM $8
That’s the Light @ Asylum Theatre 10:30PM $10
The Twelve Shiny Nickels Show @ Fake Gallery 11PM $5
The Tomorrow Show: For Love or Money @ Steve Allen Theater MIDNIGHT $8
7) OPEN MIC RUN 2/12/11
LAUNDROMIC 1054 Vine St., Hollywood, CA/Starts 4:30PM
SAL’S COMEDY HOLE 7356 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, CA/Starts 6PM/one item min.
WESTSIDE COMEDY THEATRE 1323-A 3rd St., Santa Monica, CA (in alley between 3rd and 4th St.)/Sign-Up 6PM/Starts 6:30PM
BURBANK MOOSE LODGE 1901 W. Burbank Blvd., Burbank, CA/Starts 7:30PM
SUNSET GRILL 7439 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA/Starts 7PM/one item min.
MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA/5PM to 11PM/$5/multiple sets allowed
8) Recently: It was announced that Beyonce is going to headline the prestigious Glastonbury Music Festival, which is, I guess, no longer prestigious. Similarly, Miley Cyrus is hosting SNL in the coming weeks. Tonight, Reggie Watts will be playing the back of a comic book store and I’d still see that anytime over the previous two. Here’s why.
9) To anyone who thinks that I actually go to every single show on the Comedy Crawl, go ahead and keep thinking that because that sounds pretty amazing.
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THE COMEDY BUREAU/@thecomedybureau
Tip of the Hat 2/12: Reggie Watts

The Comedy Bureau “Tips Its Hat” this week to REGGIE WATTS:
“Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, ‘It’s probably not a good idea that you’re in here. You’re a very large animal and any sudden movements and you may injure somebody. I don’t know why you’re here. None of the glasses are ergonomically designed for you to drink from them, so you should probably leave.”
When it comes to making people laugh, there are jokes, there are stories, funny songs, props, magic tricks, and then there is pure abstraction. Reggie Watts pretty much is able to do all of that (I do have yet to see him perform a traditional magic trick) and does so in a way that I really feel privileged to witness. He is a NYC based comedian that tours the world, but he’s fortunately in LA for a few days and thus here at the Comedy Bureau.
Though Watts takes his songs, which are self-generated through a looping station and his own voice, efforts, asides, “jokes”, accents, affects, gibberish, noises, etc. in the spirit of an on-going prank, I never feel duped. Many “abstract” comedians push the art form to point of completely eschewing comedy altogether and audiences can easily feel uncomfortable as they don’t understand what is supposed to be funny and can’t relate to whatever is being attempted on stage. With that in mind, Reggie manages to make any time he’s on stage a delightful, whimsically absurd ride that he creates from absolute scratch, I feel, is very accessible to a wide range of people as, above all else, Reggie is quite the gifted musician. Being able to sing in different voices and different languages, make his own beats and noises, and rap, all on the spot, Reggie is able to delve into a realm of comedic incongruity and make it work beautifully.
I saw Reggie two days ago get a huge line off of saying, “It’s great to be here, really great to be here. Now, I’m going to talk about tech futures.” There wasn’t any real punchline or metaphor, as he actually talked about “tech futures” like it was a weekly business meeting and an entire room of over 100 people were rolling in laughter in their seats. Then, he told the joke in bold above about a horse walking into a bar, which got an applause break, which was well deserved.
Though reading a description of Reggie’s act still might seem weird and possibly not funny, I urge you to go see him live if you’re able to because it’s almost otherworldly in the best, most enjoyable and inspiring way possible. It really should be a testament to how brilliant a performer Reggie Watts is when you can write anything that he said, sang, or rapped, and be completely baffled as to what he was trying to to do, THEN seeing him perform it and make you genuinely laugh and be amazed.
You can see him tonight Feb. 12th at Meltdown Comics on the Heart of Darkness 7:30PM $8 and his album “Why S#!+ So Crazy?” is both something that I’ve been listening to on repeat for the last two weeks and something you should buy. www.reggiewatts.com/@reggiewatts
Megan Amram: Solo Valentine’s Day
Megan Amram: Solo Valentine’s Day
For a holiday invented by Mary Todd Lincoln and a yellow M&M according to this Wikipedia page on “Valentine’s Day” I just wrote, Valentine’s Day sure can be a drag. It just makes you feel so alone if you’re not lucky enough to have a significant other or committed conjoined twin (I only have a…
Post Brunch Update 2/13/11

1) A Letter to Neil Hamburger. In this article, some people forget that it’s comedy and are personally offended, which, in very sparing occasions, I can understand, but what about holding five old fashioned glasses with various cocktails, over greased hair, and an ill fitting suit is serious?
2) Montreal Just for Laughs Callbacks start tomorrow. Here’s the schedule thus far.
3) At the Comedy Central Stages this week: Set List w/Troy Conrad pilot taping on Tues. and Smartest Man in the World LIVE w/Greg Proops. BOTH FREE at 8PM. Call (323) 960-5519 for reservations. 6539 Santa Monica Ave., Los Angeles, CA
4) Live Tweeting the Grammys, you better believe that a multitude of jokes will be posted tonight and the Comedy Bureau will be there for all of it. Follow @thecomedybureau for the funny tonight instead of just watch the Grammys sans commentary.
5) Tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL–
Jeff Garlin’s Combo Platter @ UCB Theatre 6PM $2 (stand by only)
Harland Williams @ Irvine Improv 7PM $22/2 item min.
ASSSSCAT @ UCB Theatre 7:30PM FREE
Comedy Barre @ Barre Vermont 8PM FREE/2 drink min.
perestroika @ Bar Lubitsch 8:30PM FREE
French Toast @ Taix 8:30PM FREE
Comedy Night @ Chatterbox 9PM FREE
Top Story Weekly! w/Damien Fahey and Matt Manser @ iO West 9PM $5
Sunday Sunday Sunday-FAILentine’s Edition @ The Improv Space 9:30PM FREE
6) OPEN MIC RUN 2/13/11
PALMS 8572 Santa Monica Blvd., West Hollywood, CA/Starts 6PM
SUNSET GRILL 7439 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA/Starts 7PM/one item min.
SAL’S COMEDY HOLE 7356 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, CA/Starts 6PM/one item min.
MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA (walk up Martel past Big Mama’s and Papa’s)/5PM to 11PM/$5/multiple sets allowed
7) Recently: The Grammys are on tonight. Let’s kick it off with what Sean Patton has to say about Lady Gaga.
8) I had my first brush with fame yesterday and totally acted nonplussed about it like a famous person would. The only thing missing in this equation: $$$$ (like… any of it).
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THE COMEDY BUREAU/@thecomedybureau
Web Series Unplugged
Wednesday, February 16 · 8:00pm – 11:00pm@ El Cid
4212 W. Sunset Blvd.
Los Angeles, CAI will be screening a couple a videos, one of the segments is from my Non aired Comedy Central pilot. Should be a fun night. see you then
-Andre$8 cover – 21+
Dinner & Drinks at 8pm, Screening begins at 9pmSketch Comedy Screen featuring…
You Love I
Big Kid Comedy
Family Sandwich
Andre Hyland
Comediva
Tremendosaur
Dry Hump ComedyShowroom Screen featuring…
The Adventures Of Cubegirl
The Institute
How to Fake It In America
Golden Boy
Workshop
Missed Connections
Spinners
Pumpkin Morgue
The Divas
Yes come down to the Tiger Lily Valentine’s Day Show!
You guys there is also going to be a special performance by
80s British new wave singer
R.O. MANSE
Because you can’t have Valentine’s Day with out a lil Romanse! 😉 It is a rare appearance, we are lucky to have him!What’s Up Tiger Lily?
Monday Feb 14th 8pm
Hollywood Studio Bar & Grill
6122 Sunset BlvdCome down win a date with a comedian! Laugh the night away with these awesome performers: GREG BARRIS, KYLE KINANE, MOSHE KASHER, KARL HESS, TJ MILLER, APRIL RICHARDSON, ANDY HAYNES, BARRY ROTHBART, CHIP POPE ++ more!!!
Paul finally reached perfection, so this shirt is up for grabs.
All right! Witness perfection tonight when I host the perestroika! comedy show!
8:30pm at Bar Lubitsch. I’ll bring this shirt in case anybody wants it.
FEBRUARY 13TH LINEUP
Flyer by: Jess Lane
Johnny Pemberton, Heather Thomson, and Claire Titelman.Come on! Come on! Come on!
Kumail on Portlandia!
This will definitely be taken down soon so please watch and enjoy Kumail on Portlandia. The most amazing thing to me about this scene was that it was 100% improvised. All Kumail was told was that he…
http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf
Brent Weinbach & Moshe Kasher’s dating advice. Love.
Misery is a Self Centered Wanna-Be: A Cautionary Tale to Comics on Valentine’s Day

Part of the ongoing series “I Know What You’re Thinking… (No, You Don’t)”
I hate this day.
I absolutely fucking hate this day. (cough cough Valentine’s cough Day cough cough)
There are several reasons as to my loathing to this particular day designated as one where couples far and wide are reminded to pronounce or rekindle their love with the significant other they so luckily have.
1) I’ve never had a girlfriend.
2) I’m already a bitter person. EX. In high school, a girl during Honors Algebra 2, doodled a representation of my being as a sad bunny stabbing itself beneath a rain cloud.
3) Most of I’ve ever gotten out of women: You’re a really good friend.
4) On top of all that, I’m a comic.
Almost needless to say, I’ve never had someone “be my Valentine” and have always chosen to deal with fleeting demonstrations of deep public affection between people for the duration of Valentine’s Day by purposely being alone like it was some badge of honor, though I’d grumble about the whole ordeal like the bitter old man that uses his cane to shush younger people living above or below him that I sometimes think that I am.
This behavior was magnified probably 10-fold since becoming a comic as a large component of comedy is finding the accepted inconsistencies within society and then essentially complaining about them. Thus, I’ve become even more prone to being critical of the happiness of people in relationships. EX. I’ve made such proclamations on stage that I’d simply like to yell at people holding hands and that there is no such thing as love; there’s only settling.
Last Thursday, I saw the lovely, talented, and hilarious musical duo of Garfunkel and Oates at Largo and heard their song “I Would Never (Have Sex with You)”, which is about how being “just" friends between men and women will never amount to anything. This is basically every extended amount of interaction I’ve ever had with women and, as such, you might think that I was horribly offended by such a song. Though it was painful hearing the lyrics, "Remember the time we went to Dave and Busters and played Dance Dance Revolution until we won a keychain? Let’s do it again… but there is a bigger problem… I would have never sex with you,” I laughed so hard that I nearly broke into tears (emphasis on nearly).
It wouldn’t be fair to say that I’ve turned a new leaf completely as I’m probably going to end up eating pancakes and tweeting in some 24 hours diner tonight, but instead of perpetuating my own misery in single-dom, I’m now looking to “take the high road” and trying to eschew my own negativity (emphasis on trying), wishing the best to those in love. I realized that spreading contempt, even ironically, in the end, only comes back to the person originating and the happy couple will just move on.
So to those comics out there spending Valentine’s Day alone in this vast disconnected metropolis, I’d urge you to hold off from knocking back a tall boy with your eggs and watching 500 Days of Summer after watching the lesser known dark romantic comedy Dedication (NOTE: I’ve only done these things on separate occasions) because it’s only going to make you lose followers on Twitter and leave you still feeling miserable flirting with suicide. Instead, if a pair that seems particularly beaming after they just finished engaging in arduous embrace makes eye contact with you, just smile.
With all of that being said, I still hate this day.
I cannot stop watching this. It is so fuckin’ weird. I’m gonna try to transcribe it for ya as well. Here goes:
“Well, a very, very, heavay, uh, heavay dur—burtation tonight. We had a very daris—darison—by—let’s go ahead and taris tayson lossin gettta tapik.”
I’m sure people in Finland know exactly what she’s talking about.
Okay: Her first five words are good, even though she mispronounces the word “heavy.” But after that, let’s see if we can figure out what she meant to say. What could she have possibly intended by “dur—burtation.” It’s like: You’re already fuckin’ up big time; you gotta also make the “dur” sound too? That’s the sound we used to make as little kids when we were goofing on someone dumb. “DUUURRR!” And what the hell was “burtation” supposed to be? What word was she trying to say? Rotation? Oh! Heavy rotation maybe? No idea. The next part sounds like she wants to say: “We had a very—dare I say—“ but instead of “dare I say,” she goes: “darison.” And that’s when it gets weird because you can see the look of sorrow on her face as she begins to realize she is no longer in control of her mouth: there’s that sobby, desperate look of dread to a point off camera, as if there’s someone or something over there that can get her out of this. It’s almost as if she pays a monthly speech bill and didn’t get this month’s payment in and is slowly realizing—on live television, in mid-sentence—that they’re shutting down her mouth. I mean, she doesn’t even say “Sorry.” And everything after “let’s go ahead” is completely indecipherable. She probably meant to say: “Let’s go ahead and forget this ever happened.” I know what she’s thinking. She was thinking: “Okay, I’ve already said a bunch of stuff that doesn’t make any sense. I’ll just keep spouting gobbledly gook for the rest of this sentence and maybe no one will notice. You know. ‘Cause I’ll be consistent.”
“Taris Tayson Lossin Gettta Tapik.” Sound like a hockey team from Helsinki.
The best thing about this footage is that the director knew exactly when to cut away from her and go to the clip. It did not matter what she said. She could’ve said anything—and did!—and the director knew exactly what to do. Which just goes to show: You can be a model in a trench coat with a mike, utter complete nonsense for ten seconds, and it. Will. Absolutely. Not. Matter.
(By the way: My Spellcheck loved this post.)
I remain
Champagne
Morning Debriefing 2/14/12

1) 2 FOR THE PRICE OF 1: Best #Grammys and #RejectedCandyHearts Tweets from yesterday from LA:
“@pauljaycomic Arcade Fire won the Grammy for Best Album. Does this mean the Grammys are suddenly relevant, or that Arcade Fire are suddenly irrelevant?” Paul Jay
“@ChelseaVPeretti I’d like to watch a singer who is a single threat: good at singing.” Chelsea Peretti
“@WendyLiebman In lieu of watching the #Grammys, I sang karaoke while balancing an egg on a spoon.” Wendy Liebman
“@moshekasher WHO IS ANYONE IN MUSIC? I literally do not know any of these white people! #grammys” Moshe Kasher
“@FrankConniff If Lady Gaga was "born this way” did doctor tell her parents, “Congratulations! It’s a 9 pound publicity whore!” #Grammys" Frank Conniff
“@paulcibis 500 ft. Away At All Times Is Just A Number #rejectedcandyhearts” Paul Cibis
“@Kabelion I’m going to kill you and your family (turn over) if you break up with me. #candyheartrejects” Jeremy Paul
“@TesstifyBarker This is made of birth control pills I haven’t been taking. #candyheartrejects” Tess Barker
“@scott_bowser D-FENS #rejectedcandyhearts” Scott Bowser
“@teamyasumura Get in the car. #candyheartrejects” Robert Yasumura
“@mrseanpatton At least this ain’t cum #rejectedcandyhearts” Sean Patton
2) WIN A DATE at WHAT’S UP TIGER LILY? TONIGHT If anything, a date with a comedian will leave you with a great story. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO LOSE (well… perhaps your innocence depending on who you go out with)
3) OK, every Big Trouble in Little Tokyo is fantastic, but, with all gravity I can muster, this week we have none other than Ron Lynch AND Sean Patton!!! I’m not going to bother saying anything else other than sign-up is at 6:30PM/start is at 7PM/@Señor Fish-address is 422 E. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA. Really, that’s all I need to say.
4) Misery is a Self-Centered Wanna Be: A Cautionary Tale to Comics on Valentine’s Day (just in case you didn’t want to scroll down four or five posts)
5) Tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL-Yes, comedy is the right choice for Valentine’s Day.
Just for Laughs Sketch Showcase @ UCB Theatre 5PM FREE
Just for Laughs Showcase @ Jon Lovitz Comedy Club 8PM $5/2 drink min.
Harland Williams @ Irvine Improv (Special Valentine’s Day Event) 8PM $65 dinner special
What’s Up Tiger Lily?: The Wigmaker’s Son @ Hollywood Studio Bar & Grill 8PM FREE
Are You F*#king Kidding Me? @ Puka Bar 8:30PM FREE
Stand Up Saloon @ Old Towne Pub 10PM FREE
Keep It Clean Comedy @ 1739 Public House 10PM FREE
6) OPEN MIC RUN 2/14/11
SAL’S COMEDY HOLE 7356 Melrose Ave., Hollywood, CA/Starts 6PM/one item min.
HARLEM PLACE CAFE 124 W. 4th St. (in alley between Main and Spring St.)/Starts 8PM/e-mail speakeasyopenmic@gmail.com for spots
GROUND ZERO CAFE 615 Childs Way, Los Angeles, CA (USC on campus nestled in between dorms near intersection of Figueroa and Exposition)/USC student Sign-up 9PM/Non Student Sign-up 9:15PM/Starts 9:30PM
MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA (walk up Martel past Big Mama’s and Papa’s)/5PM to 11PM/$5 Cover/Free coffee & water.
7) Recently: Local LA Reporter Serene Branson literally spoke gibberish on TV last night in a post Grammys report, perhaps taking a cue from Mike O’Connell.
8) Yes, mr. or ms. bad crowd work comic, I came here alone and perhaps I’m too good of a person as I will not engage with you, but seriously, tell a damn joke or quip or just a line that first off makes sense and then strive to be actually funny. More importantly, leave me alone like I already am.
Report 00115
THE COMEDY BUREAU/@thecomedybureau
Girls Gone Goldberg: A series of love-themed limericks…
Girls Gone Goldberg: A series of love-themed limericks…
…about the internet, that I wrote for one of my classes (seriously).
A person I follow on Twitter,
Tends to be angry and bitter.
About life she gripes,
At politicians she swipes,
But for cat pics her heart goes a’pitter.I just got a call from my father,
Who begged not be seen as a bother.
FEBRUARY 20TH LINEUP
- Paul Danke
- Gilli Nissim
- Marianne Sierk
- Christopher Schleicher
- and a short by PowerViolence
Hosted by Whitmer Thomas and friends
…Be there or be dumb…
New Gentlemen Scumbags Tomorrow (with Kyle Kinane)
@mike_burns_ and I will be podcasting live tomorrow at 8PM PST (www.gentlemenscumbags.com) with our producer, Patrick Melton and special guest, @kylekinane. Here’s his Tumblr. He’s been on a lot of stuff. You probably know who he is.
We’re also on iTunes now. Chick here for that. We’ll be ripping on the Grammys, eating gross food, talking about underwear, pro wrestling, yelling at cops, discussing Burns’ sweet truck and a whole lot more scummy shit. Be a gentleman and tune in.
Johnny Pemberton, Heather Thomson, and Claire Titelman.Come on! Come on! Come on!
