ronbabcock:

GET WELL SOON

This is the worst “Get Well Soon” card I have ever seen. Here’s how it would go down in reality.

Gary the Coworker: Heard you weren’t feeling well, so we took up a huge collection for you.

Sick Worker: Oh wow, really? That was really nice of you. I haven’t been doing too good lately. This was really thoughtful.

Gary:  You now have the largest supply of staples, thumbtacks, sticky notes, printer paper, rubber bands, erasers, and papers clips in the entire office. 

Silence.

Sick Worker:  Serious?

Gary:  Yeah, funny huh?

Sick Worker:  Your “huge” collection for me is just random office supplies.

Gary:  Uh, yeah. Haha.

Sick Worker:  You realize I have lymphoma, right? 

Gary:  What?

Sick Worker:  Lymphoma. It’s a cancer that attacks the lymphatic cells in the immune system. It’s extremely painful and it turns out our health insurance doesn’t cover chemo.

Gary:  Oh.

Sick Worker:  And your grand gesture was to raid the supply closet and give me staples and thumbtacks.

Gary:  And printer paper.

Sick Worker:  First of all, you know I’m the one responsible for keeping track of office supplies, so fuck you. Second of all, these aren’t even new office supplies. Rubber bands mixed in with paper clips? Oh I can’t wait to spend my afternoons detangling all these while I sit here with lymphoma. 

Gary:  We just thought it would be funny…

Sick Worker:  Oh yeah, fucking hilarious Gary. Remember when your car broke down and no one else would drive you home to the westside even though I live around the corner? And then I came back in the morning to pick you up?

Gary:  Yeah.

Sick Worker:  And remember how I always end up paying for your coffee because at Brewster it’s cash only and you never seem to carry cash. Sooo fucking annoying by the way.

Gary:  My wife doesn’t let me keep a debit card…

Sick Worker:  And how do you repay me?! You go around the entire office and ask everyone to part with their precious office supplies. 

Gary:  We weren’t trying to be mean.

Sick Worker:  Oh what we’re you trying to be? Nice? You think it’s nice to give someone with cancer an eraser? What do you want me to be Gary? Gracious?! Ohhhhh thank for the precious thumbtacks and printer paper. I’m so glad you didn’t get me an iTunes gift card or something I could actually use, but these wonderful office supplies which is sooooo helpful considering how much office work I’ve been doing from bed. From my bed of cancer.

Gary:  Ok we get it, you don’t like jokes.

Sick Worker:  Oh I like jokes Gary, but I also like jokes that have a little bit of tact. For instance, I’ve never made fun of your giant thumbs. 

Gary:  What?!

Gary looks down at his thumbs. They are very large. (Honestly, check them out above in the picture. They’re huge.) 

Sick Worker:  Everyone in the office makes fun of them, but I never have. Do you realize how hard it is to not make fun of them? Look at them! Who has thumbs like that? They look like they ate your other fingers. 

Gary:  Now you’re being a jerk. I have a condition.

Sick Worker:  Ohhh a condition, really? Well then here’s a box of shitty office supplies. Get well soon.

Gary turns and walks away. Remorse rushes over the face of the sick worker.

Sick Worker:  Uhhh, Gary. 

Gary slowly turns around.

Gary:  What.

Coworker:  I’m sorry… I forgot to say fuck you again. Fuck you.

The sick worker fires a rubber band hitting Gary squarely in the head.

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But Ron this is a humourous greeting card. Of course no one would do this in real life.

Exactly! The worst part about this card is that it’s just a card. You don’t even get any office supplies. Even if they were unorganized, phyiscal office supplies are better than imaginary office supplies. Instead of “Get Well Soon”, this card should just read:

“Hey you, you sick? Think of a shitty gift. Ok now pretend we gave it to you. Oh and fuck you. Love, your crappy coworkers.”

Comedian Ron Babcock taking unnecessary cards down a notch.