The front page of, because “Fuck you, everyone” just doesn’t meet their expectations of subtlety.

I’m not looking for the masterminds behind a free email service to break down the way of the world, but TOAST? The headline, five days after a world catastrophe, in the midst of a Middle Eastern revolution, while soldiers are still dying in an unjust war, while our country still bobs up and down in state of instability, and the headline is fucking TOAST? How about “We’re gonna take a day off so as not to offend you with how blatantly we’ve checked-the-fuck-out of day to day existence?” No, still need to run a story. Here’s how to make toast.

Oh, motherfucker.


Japan’s earthquake/tsunami is not a message from God, as Glenn Beck would like you to think. I can accept that. If it’s true, that God is trying to warn us for being un-Christianly, it means God’s a fucking prick and fuck him anyway. If it’s false, it means Glenn Beck’s a frothing moron. Either way, the point is made. Either God is real and he sucks or God is fake and his believers have shit-for-brains. Personally, I think Japan’s earthquake/tsunami, while undeniably tragic, is the way the Earth and it’s scientific make-up works. Sometimes it’s beautiful and sometimes it’s horrific, but nature is unpredictable. We need to just rally and find a common goal, which is to just help out your neighbor. It’s 2011, and now “neighbor” means “everyone.” Yahoo deciding to put on it’s front page HOW TO MAKE FUCKING TOAST is a sign that we, as a culture, as a species, as a creation of circumstance and biology, have reached a point TO CALL IT QUITS. I mean, it’s not even an article on how to make bread—it’s an article on how to strategically burn bread. It’s an entire write-up on how to accurately destroy, to a degree, something that is heralded as a benchmark of human accomplishment. 

Glenn Beck can ease up on this fictional “God” that’s giving us warning signs that the end is near. We’re providing them for ourselves. And the number of people that actually believe Glenn Beck as a truth-teller is one of the most glaring signs of all.

Glenn Beck is not a prophet, but a sign of the apocalypse.

Of course, sometimes Jesus does show up in a piece of toast…