How ‘Red Riding Hood’ Got Made
“Hey, yeah, everyone here? Okay, thanks for doing this conference call. Okay, I- Kim, what’s this hand roll bullshit? NO, I wanted SASHIMI. Well then they fucked up! TAKE IT BACK! THANK YOU! Sorry about that, fucking new assistant. Okay, 2011… what do we got? We need a smash and grab job, you know? Real easy money. We gotta get those stupid kids in there. Let’s buy some dumb kid book. We got any vampire crap? Yeah I don’t know, kids love that shit. A real dark one that make em wanna fuck, ya know? With a pale dude with faggy hair? Market research what? Vampires on their way out? Fuck me. Okay, zombies? Sexy zombies? Nah, too gross. Look, it doesn’t have to be good… Like at all. I’m not worried about that, trust me. Kids are assholes, they’ll eat it up as long as fucking Justine Bober is on the soundtrack- what? Don’t correct me, you’re fired. HANG UP. She gone yet? Good. Okay, what else we got? Faeries? Retarded. Angels? Too religious. Post apocalypse? Kids like that, right? We already got one? When’s that coming out? 2012? Coincidence. OKAY, come on, you fuckers! I don’t hear something I like, I’m gonna start firing at random! We need dark, we need kids, we need a hot fuckin’ girl, and we need to win the weekend, understand? You know what, fuck buying some dumb book. What’s in the public domain? Gimme some freebies! We got some fairy tale shit to adapt? Um… sexy Headless Horseman? NO PHIL, HOW WOULD HE KISS THE GIRL IF HE DOESN’T HAVE A HEAD? Rumpelstiltskin? Oh yeah, cuz a little fuckin’ dude that lives in the woods is real sexy. But you’re on the right track, I think. Snow White? Nah, that’s a hot chick and seven weirdos. But what if it was like seven hot dudes and she fucks all of them? Nah, someone’s parents’ll fuckin’ sue us. OKAY, you’re all fired in 3, 2, -what? Little Red Riding Hood? Oh my god. That’s what I’m talking ABOUT. I’m literally hard right now. LITERALLY. We’ll get that girl from the thing, and she’ll like, fuck a wolf or something. Not like that. Make him a wolfboy or something. I don’t fucking know, Put some denim shorts on him like the other wolfboy thing. Alright, I’m sick of you fuckers. EVERYONE GETS BOATS! I’m hanging up now.”