phone scam

Dave Holmes Just Expertly Trolled a Phone Scammer

Scammers best beware when f*cking with comedians.

Host, writer, comedian and now, hero, Dave Holmes just tweeted his whole encounter with a very common phone scam and how he chose to scam those suckers right back in the most ‘drop-the-mic’ way possible.

Here’s Dave’s story in full that he just tweeted earlier today: 

I just got targeted by the laziest, shoddiest grifters I have ever come across in my life, and boy did I enjoy it.

I was coming out of the gym, disoriented/exhausted, and there was a vm from a # in MD. I listened: THIS IS A FINAL NOTICE FROM THE IRS.

I called back, because I get stupid after a workout, and I thought: THIS MIGHT BE REAL. I should take it easy maybe. Anyway. (3/20)

A very stern person answered the phone & spoke very quickly: this is in reference to your audit in 2008. (which happened. I owed zero.) 4/20

He continued: there is a warrant for your arrest. You face five years in federal prison. We have cancelled your driver’s license. (5/20)

You owe $5273. We sent a letter to your home in October & nobody was there to receive it. But we left a slip and you never called back. 6/20

THIS TELLS US YOU ARE TRYING TO RUN AWAY. ARE YOU ABLE TO PAY THIS MONEY IN FULL TODAY? 7/20

Me: I’ll need to talk to my tax preparer (who they’re supposed to contact first anyway). (Also, everything else about this is wrong.) 8/20

They said they were going to put me on hold, and then hung up on me. But I had their #, a 20-minute drive ahead of me, and I do improv. 9/20

I called back in tears. “I was on the phone with one of your agents, and I got disconnected, and I CANNOT GO TO PRISON. PLEASE HELP.” 10/20

“I HAVE MY CREDIT CARD OUT, BUT MY HANDS ARE SHAKING TOO TERRIBLY FOR ME TO READ IT. WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP ME.” 11/20

The agent on the phone (a man with a very thick Indian accent whose name was “Officer Eric Johnson”) said he could not take my card #. ?/?

THEN WHAT AM I TO DO, OFFICER JOHNSON? IF I OWE MONEY, I WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT IMMEDIATELY. I CANNOT GO TO PRISON. I CANNOT.

I HAVE A FAMILY. I HAVE A JOB. AM I GOING TO BE PULLED OVER AND ARRESTED? Officer Johnson revealed that this was a strong possibility.

What the IRS needed me to do was this: go to a bank and withdraw $5300 in cash. And stay on the phone with them while I did it.

I agreed. I said (still crying) that I was a five-minute drive from a bank with a drive-thru ATM but that I was driving as fast as I could.

We stayed on the line together for that whole five minute drive, me and Officer Johnson. I asked how long he’d been at the IRS. 8 years!

I asked what he did before that, and how he likes the IRS gig. He said: “MR HOLMES I AM BUSY DOING YOUR PAPERWORK.” I said: Jeez, of course.

I told him I was pulling up to the ATM to withdraw the money, and he said: YOU CAN’T WITHDRAW THAT MUCH FROM AN ATM. YOU HAVE TO GO IN.

(I’m going to be honest with you here: that was news to me, but it makes sense now that I think about it.)

So I pretended to go into the bank (opened/closed my car door, improvised the whole transaction with a teller voice, THANK YOU! the whole 9)

I returned to the car, and I said: “Officer Johnson, I have $5300 in a paper bag. Tell me what to do next.” He said: hold on.

He then put me on hold, during which I would imagine there was a 30-second shitty grifter office party.

I was then transferred to his boss, an agent with the same accent who identified herself only as “Officer Debbie.”

Officer Debbie told me I needed to go to a Bank of America and deposit the cash into an account whose number they would give me.

I said: Officer Debbie, isn’t it great to be alive in a time when all of this is so easy and intuitive? She agreed that it is.

Officer Debbie then put me on hold, and a bunch of assholes with a burner phone reenacted this performance probably: https://t.co/Yc4MtmSZJQ

I was then transferred to a guy who announced himself simply as “Agent Paul.” Agent Paul was going to give me the account info.

I said: fire away. He gave me an account and routing numbers into which to deposit my money. The name on the account: JACK MILTON.

I said: I’ll be sure to tell the teller it’s for the IRS, so that he or she is extra careful with the numbers and whatnot.

He said: you are not allowed to do that. This is a federal case, and talking about it is illegal. I said: that makes perfect sense.

I said: I want to make sure we don’t get disconnected, so here’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to keep the Bluetooth connected, leave the phone in the car, and keep the car running in the parking lot while I do this.

Agent Paul said: I don’t think you should do that. I said: Bluetooth gets weird though. He couldn’t really argue with that.

So I thanked Agent Paul, told him how crisp and professional Officers Johnson and Debbie had been, and went into the bank to transact.

Opened/closed the car door, thought long and hard about a car-theft plot twist with all new characters, but my destination was close.

Opened/closed the door again (I am driving during this, btw) and said: I’ve done it. I have my receipt. May I read it to you?

Agent Paul, said, with palpable enthusiasm and relief: You DID? And no, I don’t need to read what’s on the receipt.

And then I passed my destination and decided to circle it for a minute. I said: please let me read it to you.

It says: this is the worst, sloppiest, saddest attempt at a con I have ever experienced, and you should be ashamed.

You are BAD AT GRIFTING, and you should STOP IT.

I hope you never get another good night’s sleep, not because you are bad, but because you are TERRIBLE AT BEING A CON ARTIST, and

…somewhere out there, someone better is going to con YOU, and you’re too dumb to see it coming. GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.

Agent Paul, I swear to God, said: “Please accept my apologies,” and hung up the phone.

And I’ve thought about it, and I don’t accept his apologies.

You can reach Agent Paul and Officers Johnson and Debbie at 240-523-3767.

The more time they spend with you, the less time they have to find the one poor shnook who would fall for this and hand over his savings.

Anyway, I’m off to the bank to report this account and routing number. Be good to each other, my friends.

So, you should probably follow @DaveHolmes on Twitter.